Recently, I found myself ruminating on how hard it can be to figure out what you like in life; it always took me a minute to make a choice about what I wanted to do. In our 20 something years, what a tough decision it is to choose and act on what we want our lives to look like. I however think it is easier to know what we do not want to do and what we do not like. I think we can agree by saying that it is an important start.
I feel like I’ve regularly been confronted with big life-changing choices in my past years. I took the opportunity of visiting Los Angeles while putting my life in mainland France on the side only one month after hearing the proposition. Little did I know that only two months into the vacation, I would decide to move to the city and drastically change my life.
I can never regret this choice. Living in the United States made me conscious of what I was capable of and made me face so many of my fears. But it also created new ones that I only became aware of recently.
So the point here is that I think I know what I don’t want. Because I know that school has never been for me and that it doesn’t make me feel good right now, I had to face my misery and to confront myself on the need to take action to feel better. And despite school’s necessity for me in order to stay in Los Angeles, I had to face the fact that leaving the United States might be the only option for me.
I couldn’t stop thinking about this idea once it appeared in my head. Because what would my life look like once I would be back on the island ?
When I traveled to L.A. for the first time, I didn’t want to come. I ended up doing it because, on paper, it was a really great idea. A good idea just because I got the chance to be invited. I feel like I did not come out here entirely on my own behalf. Don’t get me wrong; I was and I’m still extremely happy I accepted the invitation, that I grabbed the opportunity when it presented itself. And I’ll never regret it, obviously; I experienced as much as I could.
I was also very scared when I visited for the first time, since I did not know if I would acclimate well enough with a city as big as L.A. I thought that I would get overwhelmed pretty easily. and I actually did. but in a more positive definition of the term. I’m still surprised at how fast I got included, if that makes sense. because I had no idea what to expect. I did not know what I would be doing here. What would my daily life look like? so it was even more surprising for me to get used to the new rhythm I got involved in here. Being in Los Angeles shaped me, if not changed me drastically. I feel like I have a brand new vision and perspective on life in general but particularly what is going on in mine. I have been talking about it recently in an episode on my experience here, that I released on youtube. But it’s always important for me to underline how much growing I’ve been through here. My experience in the punk/underground scene here is legitimately one of the best things I’ve been experiencing in my whole life so far. I’m so happy that I’ve gotten so lucky to find and be surrounded by so many talented people during the time I’ve spent in L.A. It’s been a pleasure to share some of their time and I can’t wait to discover what the future holds for every single one of them. These moments played a big part and will keep on shaping my creative perspective. Not only the moments but especially the wisdom that we all shared together. Finding so many friends with a similar state of mind, 6 thousands miles away from home was a real luck of mine.
To me, the biggest high of being in a new city is the discovery.. Whether it is the places (even though I didn’t do most of the ‘tourist things’) , the people, the slang, the sayings, the reputation of some places, etc… I see myself as a great discoverer. In other words, I’m really adventurous, I’ve always really enjoyed gaining knowledge. Traveling is one of the best ways to give you lots of food for thought. So after falling in love with what I’ve been introduced to here, I made the choice of actually moving to LA and really settling and starting a new life here. I think it made me come to a point in my L.A. life where the thrills of discovery started fading away after I got used to where I was and that routine settled itself. Add to that a tangible mental health struggle, and poof! Everything starts to look ugly, and so few things really give you thrills again.
This also brings up the negative side of discovery: feeling ignorant about what people are discussing. I’m not even going to start on some language barriers issues. But I feel ok being a listener, maybe when it gets recurrent it’s hard not to put yourself on the side, and be gentle with yourself about not knowing stuff. Being ignorant doesn’t mean being stupid. And in the end, I started feeling lonely with my own company that made me realize that something seemed wrong here. Even being surrounded doesn’t really help to regulate this feeling of loneliness.
So maybe that is a sign that it’s time for me to stop flying away from my issues within myself and to start making peace with them. So I think there’s also some good in my decision to go back home. I have not figured out if I’m fortunate about it or not, for feeling like there are more things pushing me to go back home than the ones pulling me to stay in Los Angeles.
One detail that is terrible about leaving my life here is that I know for a fact that I’m going to regret it in a way because of the things I’m going to miss. Simple instance, my friends. I don’t have anyone back in Corsica—at least no one with the same proximity of relationship that I found and created here. That’s a reason why my relationships are THE thing that generated the biggest debate while taking the decision on staying or not. Although it breaks my heart to leave some of my friends behind me, it is unfortunately the kind of choice where I can’t be thinking about others. It might sound selfish but I’ve mostly talked about it to feel support more than anything. I know distance friendships are hard, but it’s work. At least I have a bunch of couches I could crash on whenever I’d like to visit, right guys?
I felt defeated in the early days of debating whether to leave, as if going back home meant starting over and that I had failed to establish myself here. Which I know is not true. Because the truth is, you can never really start over. You always learn and grow to become someone new, no matter what you could be doing and wherever you are. So whatever happens, I will return home as a new person. A better person, if I dare to say.
The thing is, I also can’t wait to be gone because of some of the things that make me feel bad about myself here. I felt like I was prioritizing my mental health by making that decision. It is hard to manage mental health challenges while living with others. It makes me sad to feel unappreciated in a place where I found most of the people I loved in my life. However I genuinely know some of them would fight for me to understand that they love me, I think it’s simply one of the things I can’t control by myself; I need help. So I thought that dropping out of school would be a way for me to get a chance to actively start a therapy journey. Plus, let’s be honest, it might be easier for me in French than in English.
I’m slowly drifting away from the main subject here, but it is justified because my mental health is the primary reason supporting my decision to leave Los Angeles.
I think returning to Corsica is going to help me reestablish my independence, which echoes a lot of growing with and for myself. Without even considering the possibility of therapy, I believe this decision will help me grow and cope with the transition, while also giving me the chance to be outside more frequently than in L.A. It’s a place where I’m much more physically active than in the city. I walk and go out for hikes with my dogs a lot, I play tennis with my mom, i swim, clean the land of the stones, cut some wood, anyway. I be outhere. If I feel the will to do it, maybe I’ll make a little vlog to show my daily life once I’m back there.
I know for fact it’ll take a moment for me to get used to my new-old life once I’ll be back; but I’m sure that being active will help me transition better and with ease, by feeling useful to be around and help my mom out.
I don’t want to raise any pity or anything in that tone. I actually feel surprisingly hopeful about my future. I feel like for once I’m listening to my gut, my wants, and my needs.
Plus, it’s not because I’m going home that L.A is completely leaving me. I’m carrying home so many memories but also so many lessons that I’ve learned here. How to not be too serious about my creativity and what I want to share out here. That there is nothing to be shameful about trying and being your true self. If I felt capable of acting that way here, there’s nothing stopping me from acting the same way somewhere else.
So I’m feeling pretty excited to grow as a new me again, to give myself and my hometown a new chance; to appreciate it and resource myself out there. For that to be efficient, I might have to start from the roots. So watch out, Corsica, here I am, here I come… back.
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